An Angel by my side......

I have just been over to Dani's blog ~ where she has a great post up about her relationship with god ~ it has actually made me stop and think tonight (something that doesn't happen very often!!) ~ if you are not familiar with Dani's blog ~ click on the link above and go visit ~ she is one of my bestest blogging buddies and I love her to bits!!

What Dani wrote really struck a chord with me today ~ I do not know why ~ I have been thinking of my dad alot this past week ~ missing him alot and playing that same old game with myself ~ the 'WHAT IF?' game........what if he had been diagnosed sooner ~ what if they had tried different treatments.........what if he had stayed in remission?...........what if? what if?

This is not a good game to play ~ actually if I am truthful, it is totally soul destroying and I try to play it as infrequently as I can! BUT ~ there are times ~ usually when I am tired ~ a bit down or just in the mood where the whole world feels like an unfair place ~ where so many things go through my mind.

Reading Danis post reminded me of a time ~ just after my Dad died when I felt that there actually was no God ~ nothing ~ if there was ~ then why did a good, decent, man like my Dad have to die at such a young age? How can that be fair??
I was mad with the world ~ mad with everything ~

I remember reading a book written by Gloria Hunniford ~ about the loss of her daughter Karen to cancer. She wrote that before karen died she had conversations with her Mother about angels and how she believed that Angels would watch over her when she was gone (I believe that is correct ~ that was my interpretation of the story anyway!). When karen had passed away ~ Gloria would find perfect white feathers in the most unexpected of places ~ and took these as signs that Karen was Ok!

I decided that if god did indeed exist ~ that I would ask him for a sign....any sign that my Dad was ok ~ I was quite sceptical about whether anything would indeed happen ~ and for quite some time nothing did!!

Then out of the blue ~ something, actually two things happened............

I was going through the hardest part of my divorce ~ everything was not going well ~ and I can remember driving along in the car and saying out loud (addressed to my Dad) ~ that I had had enough and now would be a good time to prove that he was indeed there watching over me (as he had always promised me he would be) ~ nothing happened ~ no bolt of lightening ~ no booming voice from the sky ~ so I carried on driving. I stopped at some traffic lights and as I sat there staring into space ~ a perfect white feather floated down and landed on the bonnet, before blowing off on its journey. I know that it had probably fallen from some random bird that was flying overhead ~ BUT ~ at that moment ~ to me ~ it was all that I needed and gave me what I needed at that time ~ the belief that my Dad was indeed there ~ in spirit!

The other thing that happened was a few months after the feather incident ~ again things were not good ~ I can truthfully say that going through a divorce was the worst time of my life ~ solicitors, courts ~ arguements over money, pensions, the children and who got what, where and when ~ not good!

Again I was in the car ~ with the children in the back and for some unknown reason Daniel started to ask me about my Dad. I told Daniel all about my Dad (even though he already knew all that I was telling ~ we have had many many conversations about him before!) ~ how he was in the army and worked on tanks and all about how he loved to fix things ~ then Daniel said that I must really miss my dad ~ which in turn made me cry ~ and I managed to nod through the tears and reply that I did. Almost immediately ~ we drove around a bend and there was a Tank ~ yes, a TANK!!!!!! I almost crashed the car (ha ha ) ~ we do not live anywhere near an army base which has tanks and in all the years I have lived where we do ~ I had NEVER seen a tank just randomly trundeling down the road ~ NEVER!!!!! Daniel straight away said words to the effect that Grandad had sent us a tank and then both kids proceeded to wave at the tank and its occupants.............this has never happened since ~ no more tanks ~ no more feathers ~ but at the time ~ these two things that happened were all I needed to convince me that my dad was there with me ~ and better still ~ restored my belief that God is there too!!

I have never shared these stories before ~ but after reading danis post ~ I decided that I would like to share them.

I know now that in those dark moments ~ where the world is against me (in my head anyway ) ~ that my Dad is right there next to me ~ with his hand on my shoulder ~ watching over his little girl............just like he always did XXX