I have thought long and hard about whether I will publish this post or not.
I do not usually post things that are very private ~ I do not usually post about my ex husband ~ as he is no longer part of my life, he is the past and very much behind me ~ as I wanted!! However ~ he is still the childrens Father ~
When we seperated, my ex husband moved out and saw the children very infrequently for about 18 months ~ popping in to see them every now and then. He then met someone and decided that he would take me to court for access to the children (which may I just add here ~ was NEVER ever denied to him!!), before we went to court my solicitor made him an offer of access ~ which he refused ~ so we went to court ~ it was very stressful and cost me an absolute fortune (I am still paying the solicitor for it now!!). When we were in court ~ he was given the exact access that I had offered him and accepted it (go figure!!!). He still did not keep to the access arrangement, blaming work comittments (yes, I understand he is in the Navy!! BUT ~ a 2 week holiday to spain is hardly a work comittment!!!). He still saw very little of the children and when his relationship ended ~ he dropped the court order and agreed that he would go back to seeing them when he could!!
That was 3 years ago now ~ during the last 3 years ~ he has probably seen them about 9 times ~ he has only seen them 3 times this year!! During this 3 years I have never once told him he cannot see the children ~ never once denied him access ~ never once caused any problems (he is their father and no matter what my feeling for him are ~ they are entitled to know their Dad and spend time with him ~ I am a strong believer in that!).........
But ~ this past few weeks he has decided that he wants to take them away for a weekend ~ he has met someone else (again!!), and the children are wheeled out again like little trophies (that is how I feel!!). He has spent 3 years having next to nothing to do with them ~ 3 years of leaving me to sort everything where they are concerned ~ the children have had 3 years of stability and have made happy settled lives for themselves!!!
He has no consideration for how the children feel ~ or what they want ~ he just sees it as his 'RIGHT' ~ and has no problem with just waltzing back in after 3 years and up ending everything.
To top it all ~ when he doesn't get his own way ~ he threatens court action ~ as a way to get what he wants (which I do not want to go through again!!).
SO ~ here we go again ~ The children will go with my ex at the end of the month ~ to my ex's mothers ~ who has not seen them one single time since we seperated ~ who Lauren does not even know (again ~ just to clarify ~ she has never been stopped from visiting or ringing ~ she just has never bothered!!).....I feel bad about the whole situation ~ BUT ~ what can I do???? I do not have a problem with my ex seeing the children ~ if he is going to keep to the arrangement and make it a regular thing ~ which will not end yet again when this relationship fizzles out ~ as has happened in the past!! A big part of me knows that he will not stick to any arrangement ~ he never has before and it seems that the more objection I put up ~ the deeper he digs his heals in ~ and when he gets what he wanted ~ he doesn't want it anymore!!!!
So, there you go ~ that is the situation ~ I know to some people it may seem like nothing ~ but to me it is very annoying ~ that he can just pick and choose when and if he wants to be in their lives (usually when he meets someone new ~ again!!!), and then just walks out again when it suits him!! The only good thing is that in a few short years ~ the children will be old enough to make up their own minds ~ if they do not want to go ~ they cannot be forced to by my ex taking me to court ~ they can speak for themselves then and make their own decisions ~ and I will go with whatever they decide they want!! Until then ~ we all have to dance to his tune again ~
Sorry for ranting on ~ sorry for sounding off ~ BUT ~ anyone who has been reading my blog for any length of time ~ and indeed anyone who knows me ~ will know that I love my children more than life itself, I would do anything for my children ~ and just want them to be happy !!! I just wish that their Father would make the commitment to them that they rightly deserve ~ not just some half hearted effort every now and again ~ when the fancy takes him!!! XXXXX
Monday, 11 August 2008
Just when you think everything is OK!!
Posted by Tabitha at 17:39
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21 comments:
Sometimes I wonder why people think their children are "accessories". Or why they don't understand that children need stability - and parents that flit in and out over the years does not make anyone feel more stable.
Sorry you and your children have to go through this and sorry that your ex-husband is a blithering idiot with no concept of what's IMPORTANT in life. It's a sad state of affairs. But the one saving grace is that the children have the comfort of knowing that you, their mum, is and always will be there for them.
Good luck with this!
Kari
I know this must be hard on you but I think you are doing the right thing by not fighting him on this. As you said, when the children get older they'll be able to make up their own mind and choose for themselves whether or not they want to visit.
Sending some extra love and hugs since I know you'll be missing your little stars,
xxx
Tania
Oh Tabitha, my heart goes out to you and the kids. Hope you don't mind me being so blunt, but he sounds like a right waste of space. He has took you to hell and back. The kids will see through it when they are old enough to understand~and know who is really there for them~their Mum.
But you have handled it all so well, ie never not letting him see the kids~i admire you.
Sending an extra hug to you all,
Amanda xx
oh, tabitha... i just always assumed that he didn't seem to be around much because he was in the navy. i had no idea what you, lauren, and dan have had to endure where he is concerned.
it makes my heart literally hurt for all three of you. but, it sounds like the best thing for all of you is just to make the best of the situation... as your hands are tied.
i would just hope and pray that he doesn't verbally build them up only for you to have to watch their expectations of him be dashed. do dan and lauren at least not mind spending time with him??? i also hope that they are not totally set against being with him. that would make it that much harder...
i'm thinking of you, my dear friend!!!
lots of love and hugs,
dani xx
Thank you kari ~ for your kind comment! I agree with you about the accessory part ~ he has no interest in them ~ until someone new comes on the scene and then they are on show!! It is sad!!
I just hope that oneday the children see him for what he really is ~ and then he will get what he deserves.
He never has had any idea of what is important in life ~ which is why we are no longer together!!
All I can do is see how it goes
Thank you again for your kind words
love and hugs Tabitha XXXX
I am glad that you agree Tania ~ there doesn't seem much point in fighting it ~ the courts are very much for fathers rights over here and he will get the access anyway ~ all I can do is let them go and wait for the novelty to wear off again.
love and hugs Tabitha XXXX
Thank you Amanda ~ and I agree ~ the man is a total idiot ~ we have been here before ~ the last time he met someone new and then it all stopped ~ what annoys me the most is that he has very little interest in the children, unless he has a girlfriend in tow to impress ~ he really is a sad little man who I am glad is out of MY life!!! (sorry about that small outburst ha ha !!!).
Anyway ~ there is not alot that I can do apart from allow the access
love and hugs Tabitha XXXX
Hi Dani ~ I haven't really blogged about it all much ~ there is so much more to it all ~ that I just wouldn't feel right blogging about!! He is in the navy ~ but he uses that as an excuse to hide behind whenever he doesn't see the children ~ he has not bothered with them until now ~ when he needs to show them off to yet another poor woman who has got herself involved with him (tee hee ~I would run while I still had the chance ha ha !!!). The whole court experience was not nice, very stressful very expensive and in my opinion a total waste of time ~ but he is a control freak anyway and just couldn't see that!!
As I said in my post ~ he hardly ever kept to what he agreed before and I can't see this being any different. The children are not all that happy at being made to go ~ they will be ok though and as I said ~ give it time and they will be old enough to tell him how they feel ~ that day cannot come fast enough!!
Thank you for your kind words Dani ~ it means alot to me!!
love and hugs Tabitha XXXX
Tabitha you are an amazing woman & your children are so blessed to have you as their mum!! I don't understand why he feels it's ok to just waltz back into their lives when the mood strikes him! It breaks my heart that you & the children have to geo through this!!! You are doing the right thing by not fighting him, why should you have to pay big money when you already know what the out come will be! The time will come when the kids can decide for themselves.... I truly believe the tables are going to turn & there will be nothing he can do about it! I hope it all goes ok, & know you have friends around the world supporting you, Daniel & Lauren!
Sending lots of love & big, big hugs to you & yours
Tanya xoxoxox
My heart breaks for you and your children. I do not have any children, so there is no way that I can truly understand the pain that this yo-yo situation puts all of you through.
You are the one constant in your children's lives, and all you can do is reassure them (over and over again, if needed) that you will ALWAYS be their eternal anchor. Children need stability and reassurance, and you will provide that for them regardless of how their father acts.
I can never imagine not seeing my children. 9 visits in 3 years? That is ridiculous. I am so sorry that you and your children have to endure this.
Tabitha,
Your children Lauren and Daniel are the luckiest children for having a Mother like yourself. It comes across loud and clear that you are a very devoted and loving Mother to those two beautiful children. You give the stability to their every day life and are instilling in them the love that a family shares whether that family has one or two parents present. It is still a family. On the other hand your ex makes it abundantly clear that he is far from a caring and stable parent. It seems to me that his threats are just to have his way as he is well aware that you cannot afford to keep fighting him in court. Enough about him, he is not worth this much attention. My thoughts and prays are with you, Lauren and Daniel and I am so sorry that you have to go through this turmoil in your life. Just remember that you are the strength and glue that binds the three of you in love and comfort.
Sending all my love and hugs to the three of you.
Lucy XXXOOO
Hi Tabitha
My heart goes out to you. Through reading your blog, I have always thought that you are such a devoted, selfless mum. Your whole life revolves around your children amd making them happy. When Dan and Lauren are older they will be be able to reflect on their childhood and know that you were the one who provided for them, made sacrifices so that they could be happy, were always there for them and loved them unconditionally. They will fondly remember all of the good times that you provided for them. They will never, under any circumstances be able to say the same about their father (pitiful excuse for a father as he has not been involved).
My thoughts are with you my friend.
Sending you extra love and hugs and kisses
Elise
Thank you Tanya ~ I hate the whole situation quite frankly!!
I know that they will be old enough to make their own decisions soon and then he will have no hold over them anymore!!
The smile on my face that day will be HUGE!!
Thank you for your sweet and kind words
love and hugs Tabitha XXXX
Thank you Donna for those wise and kind words ~ they mean alot to me ~ all I can do is what you have said and oneday they will look back and know who was there for them and who popped in and out when he fancied!!
love and hugs Tabitha XXXX
Thank you Christy ~ I could not imagine not seeing my children either ~ but he doesn't seem at all bothered by his lack of interest!!
love and hugs to you XXXX
Oh Lucy ~ what totally beauty Full words ~ they truly brought tears to my eyes ~ and are so so true!!
I will always be there for my children, through the good and bad ~ I doubt very much that he will be though!! Love and hugs Tabitha XXXX
Thank you so much Elise ~ I know that they will be more than aware who was there and who was not!! He is a pretty poor excuse for a man ~ that is my one regret in life ~ that I didn't give them a better father ~ we all make mistakes in life I suppose and he was mine!! I will most definitly not make that same mistake again!! I am sure that somewhere out there ~there is a good and kind and decent man ~ the total opposite to my ex ~ who will make me happy again !!
love and hugs to you all ~ Tabitha XXXX
Tabitha, You are handling all this like a real trooper. Your children will understand someday, trust me they will. My parents divorced when I was 2 and my brother was just born. We saw him maybe 1-2x a yr when he came to CT to visit his family (siblings and parents), I don't really remember it too much when I was little. When I was probably 7 or so he was with woman and we saw him more often, he ended up marrying her and had two children with her-my half sisters. Throughout their marriage I saw him 1-2x a yr and spent a summer in NH with them. But once they divorced, he would come to visit his family-again siblings and parents, but wouldn't call us. I knew he was here because a friend lived near my aunt and saw his car. I didn't speak to him for years until his parents died and he called. That was so awkward. But I tried. Now that I have Emily (which he hasn't seen at all) I have tried to keep in touch, but I am at that point like its all or nothing.
Sorry I went on about me. I hope your children don't have to go through that too. I hope your Ex realizes that he will miss out on a lot if he isn't around for his children. My father came to my wedding, but my grandfather walked me down the aisle. My grandfather said to my father "see what you've missed".
Just know that as long as they have a strong relationship with you and your family, they will be ok.
Tabitha you have inspired a post!!
Tabitha-thanks for your comment on my blog. I am fine, it's weird I really didn't know I felt that way. Could be all the stress with moving that pushed me over the edge...LOL
I hope he reads it too, and if he does he should go to mine and see what its like to be other side....(couldn't hurt to throw that it)
Tabitha.. so sorry to hear of that. My sister has had to do battle several times with her ex in court regarding the kids. And it is always about money. He wants to pay less child support always. I feel for your frustration.
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